Carl's Jr. has this $6 burger, which really only costs $3.95...
...so you think you're getting some deal...
...but the truth is, it may be the best franchise burger out there.
I went there yesterday and ordered three.
By golly, those suckers almost filled me up.
When I got home, I still had to have a box of eggos...
...but that doesn't take away from Carl's achievement.
I mean, here's a guy who's got to go through life as Carl Junior, right?
Like he can never get out of the shadow of his dad, the original Carl, I guess.
Do you think this eating has to do with thinking you killed your mother?
That you're eating yourself to death as punishment?
-You do think you killed her, right? -I never said that.
She called out to you from that big, fancy oak bed.
-She said she was having chest pain. -I never told you any of that!
-How could you know this? -She begged you to dial 91 1.
But she was always calling out for you, wasn't she, Barry?
You weren't there. How could you know what happened? How?
Doesn't matter. What matters is, you've got to stop blaming yourself.
If you don't, you'll eat yourself into an early grave for no reason.
You're looking in my head! Stop it!
-Don't look in there. -You don't have to do it, Barry.
Leave me alone!
It wasn't your fault.
Jonesy?
Hey, how are you doing, Henry?
What's that you say?
Are you going deaf? How are you doing?
You know. SSDD.
Well, yeah, of course.
Hey, you know, I was thinking if you were free this weekend we might go see Duddits.
Yeah, absolutely. He's been on my mind a lot too.
It's been a long time.
It's open!
I gotta go. I got a thing here. I'll see you Saturday.
Yeah, right.
See you Saturday.
So, Mr. Defuniak...
...do you know we're both escapees from Maine?
You're from Pittsfield.
Do you know what happens to scholarship students caught cheating on exams?
You had the flu that day, didn't you, David? You didn't take the exam?
You missed the test. And since you were ill, why not write me an essay instead?
3000 words on the short-term results of the Norman Conquest.
-Go get started. -Yes, sir.
Better to be from Pittsfield than go back to it.
Thank you, sir.
How did you know? You weren't even there that day.
Sometimes I just know.
Hello.
This probably won't work.
Never start that way with a car salesman. We love challenges. Pete Moore.
In one hour I'm showing a house in Fryeburg. It's a big commission.
And I just lost my damn car keys. Could you possibly make me duplicates?
-That takes at least a day. -Oh, boy, I just knew it!
easy, Trish. Maybe I can help. I'm always good at finding things.
-Did I tell you my name? I don't remember-- -I guessed.
Now, let's find those keys.
-Hey, Rachel. -Hey, Pete.
-Miss, I looked again. I couldn't find them. -Okay. I need your help.
You had the coffee in your hand, bought aspirin...
...went to your car, realized the keys were gone.
-That everything? -Yes.
Look. This is gonna seem weird, but it's just a thing I do to help me think.
You bought a candy bar before the aspirin.
Mars bar.
Yours, right?
One more question. If I find your keys, will you let me buy you dinner?
West Wharf? 6:30?
Best fried clams in the state? It's right on your way back.
Sure. Okay.
-That'd be nice. -All right.
So you got here. You opened your purse.
Coffee, candy and aspirin, you're juggling it all around.
And that's when...
...you dropped your keys.
It's just luck, is all.
Thank you.
-West Wharf, right? Half past six? -You got it.
Another fuckarow.
-Jones. -How are you doing?
-Hey, Beaver. Same shit, different day. -Same shit, different day.
-Wanna talk? -No, you're trying to get home.
-What's up? -Really, I got nothing. Go home.
-Wait, Jonesy? - Yeah, Beav?
-You be careful. -Be careful of what?
Wish I knew.
What did you say?
I didn't say anything.
Right. Sorry.
-Somebody call an ambulance! -lt won't do any good.
I looked away for one second. Then I heard a thump. What happened?
Oh, my God! Professor Jones!
I just saw him. He can't die!
Clear!
No good. Flatline. Hit it again!
Clear!
-What do you think? -I think it's no good. I think he's gone.
Watch out for lster Gay.
Jonesy, don't try to lift that stuff.
-Just go up to the cabin. I'll get that. -Here, here, look. Big jacket.
-Beaver, I'm going in! -All right, I'll see you in a second!
Watch the beer.
-Got blown last night. -Good for you.
-First time? -Bite my bag.
Met some lady at bingo, went back to her place, turned into a nice fuckaree.
-As opposed to a fuckarow. -Obviously.
Though I've had perfectly good fuckarees turn into fuckarows in a flash.
-Try Viagra. -Viagra?
I'm practically at full salute all day.
I'm.... What do you call it? Privatic?
Prag-- Prasmatic? Henry will know.
-You're thinking of fourth grade. -You're having wood problems?
-You haven't tried it, have you? -Hell, no!
Drop that little blue bomb, you're hard as a Louisville Slugger for 12 hours.
Twelve hours?
I'm talking Yastrzemski. You don't have to need it to love it.
Bingo? Did you say bingo, like the game in church basements?
-There's trim there. -Beaver!
I thought my deal was pathetic.
-You just watch. That's your job. -I'm fine.
H, you been thinking about Duddits more than usual?
Remember we were gonna go see him that weekend?
-I remember. -Then I got hit.
I gotta tell you something weird.
The night I got hit, I was standing there and across the street, I saw Duddits.
Just like he was that day we first saw him back in Derry.
He was calling out for help and everyone was ignoring him.
Then he looked over at me. He looked directly at me.
And he motioned for me to come to him.
You believe I saw him, don't you?
Yes, sir, I do.
Duddits loves me, I know that. He loves us all.
He would die before he'd ever hurt us.
So why was he calling me into the street to get hit?
Maybe there's more to the story we don't get yet.
-You don't know shit. -Name it!
I'll name it after we come up with a small wager.
-50 bucks. -What's the subject?
In the movies, when people wake up together...
...they immediately start kissing and going at it.
But they never get up first, take a leak and brush their goddamn teeth.
Which is pretty much necessary when you wake up.
What's it called when you got a constant woody?
-You mean priapism. -See? I'm practically priasmic.
Priapismic.
-Whatever! It's hard. -That's what you're betting on?
No, I can name the one movie where they acknowledge the scuzzy facts of life.
-I'll give you a quarter. -A quarter from you. 50 bucks from you.
-Promised Land. -Promised Land? Never heard of it.
Meg Ryan and what's his name? Reefer Sutherland.
-Kiefer. -From, I don't know,1 988 or something?
So Meg Ryan wakes up in the morning and says, "Where's the cat? "
And he says, "What cat? " And she says, "The cat that shit in my mouth."
That will be 50 small.
-Bullshit! You made it up. -Could Beaver make that up?
You can have that priceless piece of cinematic trivia absolutely free.
I'm filing that in the "Who-gives-a-shit" section of my memory warehouse.
-What's the memory warehouse? -You don't remember?
-I must've forgot. -You forgot?
-Just remind me. Don't give me shit. -It's in his head. We've all got one.
-Hasn't that place been condemned? -Not yet.
It's so crowded I have to throw something out every time I learn something new.
When I got my new laptop I had to throw out all my files of rock 'n' roll lyrics.
My warehouse was washed away in a flood about 1 0 years ago.
I didn't know they had enough beer in Maine for a flood.
Jonesy, if that really is your name...
-...what do you do with the discarded files? -I burn them.
-You threw away the lyrics to "Blue Bayou"? -No.
No, if I really can't let go of something...
...I sneak it back to an office where I keep my secret stuff.
Where do you keep the stuff on Duddits?
He's got a special section all his own on the third level.
I can't stop thinking about the Duds lately. How about you guys?
It's this place. He's all around here, even though he's never been here.
This is our 20th year coming out here to Hole in the Wall.
And fuck me, Freddy, here's to 20 more.
Twenty more.
Here's to Duddits...
...our dreamcatcher.
Wish he was here.
To the Duds.
-To Douglas Cavell. -To Duddits.
Why is Tina Schlossinger's pussy on the wall of Tracker Brothers?
Because I said so. It's a picture.
-Have you seen it? -No...
...but the kid who sits behind me in shop, he saw it.
Tracker Brothers is deserted.
You don't want to see the homecoming queen's pussy? Don't come.
Fuck me, Freddy! Some kid's shirt.
-So? -It's new!
Scooby-Doo.
"l belong to Douglas Cavell."
"lf the boy I belong to is lost, please bring him to 1 9 Maple Lane, Derry, Maine."
Must belong to one of those kids from the Retard Academy.
Come on. eat it. eat it. eat it and you can go.
Hey, you guys! Quit it!
Just fucking quit it!
What are you doing?
You're trying to make him eat that? What's wrong with you?
Got it. I'll make him eat this dog turd, then he can go.
You go now. Unless you want half.
Take a hike, girls, while you have the chance.
Piss off. That's your final warning.
-You better watch it! -Why is that?
-I know who you are. -I'm trembling with fear.
-You're Richie Grenadeau, the quarterback! -So?
What will people say when we tell them what we caught you doing?
You won't tell anybody anything because you'll be dead.
-Get ready, Pete. -Give the word, Henry.
Pete can fly. When you come for us, all we have to do is get in your way.
I can't catch that little dick?
You know who that is? That's Pete Moore.
That's right, fat-ass. Pete Moore. No one can catch him.
He's going straight to his house to tell his mother.
She'll call the cops and then we'll see.
-You know him, is that it? -Never saw him.
Then why ask for trouble? I mean, look at this moron!
-He likes this attention. -How do you know what he likes?
Come on, you dickweeds!
-You want to fight us? -Yes! Yes!
I'm gone, Henry. Just say the word.
-Why? You'll lose! Why? -Because you can't do that! It's wrong!
And I'm gonna tell the world! Tell everybody!
-You want us to leave, is that it? -No! Let's kick their asses!
Let's go. We'll get him later. You know that.
Get you all later.
It's okay. You can stop now.
Do something. Somebody!
If I do...
...and you tell anybody, I'll never hang with you guys again.
I never knew Beav could sing.
-Beaver, that's beautiful. -I mean it. Not one word.
eaver!
You've got a fan.
This yours?
Douglas Cavell. That's your name, right?
I Duddits.
-What? -I Duddits!
-Duddits? -Duddits.
Duddits, we got to get you home.
Hey, guys! Come here! Leave the kid there.
Stand right here, Duddits. Right here with Scooby, okay?
Jesus Christ bananas!
No way is that Tina Jean Schlossinger.
Maybe her grandmother. Good going, Beav.
Holy God. We came all the way here just for that?
No. We came for him.
Hey, Pete. You forgot the dogs.
Weather moving in. Double storm. Alberta Clipper first, maybe eight inches...
...with a nor'easter on its tail.
-Get on back to the cabin, Henry. -Heading straight there, Mr. G.
-Don't mess around. -No, sir.
easy, fella.
easy. You're okay. You're all right.
Thank God. Thank God.
Gee, thank God!
I'm lost. I've been lost in the woods since yesterday.
Let's get you inside. Get you warm.
-How would that be? -Sure.
Here, let me get that.
-Rick McCarthy. -Gary Jones. But it's Jonesy to everybody.
Our damn cell phones are on the blink now, so I can't call for help...
...but our car will be back soon.
I didn't think I'd make it. I lost the folks I was with.
You saved me, that's for sure.
What's that?
It's a dreamcatcher.
Indian charm. Catches nightmares...
...keeps them away. Keeps you safe down here.
I've had enough nightmares.
Been doing that all night.
I ate some berries in the dark.
I think they must have upset me.
I know what you're thinking.
Anyone who drinks at 1 1 a.m. needs to take the cure, but I only do it here.
In the real world, I never drink till after 5:00...
...and if it ever does, I'm on the wagon for life.
Glad to hear it.
What's the matter with you?
About six months ago, the day Jonesy got hit...
...I did something terrible with a patient. Humiliated him. Drove him out of the office.
Barry Neiman.
Couple days ago, I saw his picture in the paper. He ate himself to death.
Mind if I don't use that story next time I'm trying to sell a Mustang?
Henry, you were a lead balloon long before this porker munched his way to eternity.
Thanks. You're a real comfort. You got a real delicate touch to you.
Here you go, Rick, buddy. That will fix you up.
Jesus Christ bananas! Some fuckarow this is turning into!
-Thanks a lot, Pete. -Yeah, I think I got it all.
What happened to you?
Hi. Joe Clarendon. Call me Beaver.
Rick here had a bad night in the woods.
Welcome.
-ls that frostbite? -No, I get the same thing from peanuts.
It's allergy.
Grilled cheese, anyone?
-No, the soup's fine for me, thanks. -I'll bite. Sail it over here.
My mother used to feed me pea soup when I was feeling--
Bitch in a buzz saw!
I've heard some mighty burps in my time, but that's the blue ribbon.
I am so embarrassed.
Rick ate some berries in the woods.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, that's awful!
I'm so sorry!
Rick, buddy, don't worry about it. There's more room out than in, anyway.
What have you been eating, woodchuck turds?
Know what I think?
I think you need to lie down and take you a little nap.
You know, I bet you're right.
I'm just tired, that's all.
-Come on. -My hat.
Beaver?
In here.
Thank you for taking me in. Thank you both.
-Shit, anybody would have. -Maybe. Maybe not.
All right, this is in case you have to urk...
...if you can't get to the bathroom, which is the third door to your left.
If you go in the first, you'll take a shit in the closet.
If you need anything, we're outside.
Fuck me, give me some air!
We got any gas masks handy? We need a biohazard team in here.
-Wanna hear what will freak you out more? -Not really.
You know his huge stomach?
When he got here, his stomach was normal, but his chest was out to here!
I wish Henry was here.
He's a shrink, not an internist.
He went to med school. Did you?
I thought about it.
You better get a run at it.
-Shit! -Watch it!
What the hell?
-Pete, are you okay? -No, I broke my leg! Man, my damn leg!
Okay. Hang on. Hang on a second.
-I'm caught! I can't-- -God!
-God. -Henry! A little help here!
Hang on, Pete. Hang on.
-Okay. Here comes the seat belt. -I just opened that beer.
I got you.
How's your leg?
Well, it ain't broken. It's just locked up, is all.
You don't suppose he got exposed to radiation?
I saw that once in a movie. Guy ended up bald as Telly what's-his-fuck.
This guy's got plenty of hair. But that red mark got bigger while I was watching it.
-What are you doing? -Peanut butter calms me down.
-Somebody else might want to use that jar. -I'll leave some.
Beav.
Beaver.
Criminettlies!
I think it's a woman.
I ought to warn you. I'm gonna strangle this broad.
-I'd guess she's already dead. -I'll strangle her anyway.
She almost got us both killed.
Hello! Here we come, ma'am. Don't be startled.
Hello?
Forget it, H. She's gone.
Hello!
Ma'am, can you hear me? Are you okay? Can you hear me?
I wonder if maybe that's how they say hello around here.
Listen, Miss Road Kill, you almost got us dead.
Say something.
I have to find Rick.
-Okay. -Rick.
Yeah.
Fuck me, Freddy.
-What's all that red stuff on their fur? -Just like McCarthy's cheek.
-I never saw anything like this before. -even the bears look scared.
-Of what? Where are they going? -It's not where that worries me...
...it's what are they running away from?
What the hell?
This could be perfect. They can get Stinky to a hospital.
Hey, you guys!
-We need some help! Got a sick guy inside! -This area is under temporary quarantine.
-Stay where you are. -What quarantine?
-We got a sick guy down here! -We need your help here!
-We got a real sick guy here! -Take him with you now!
Glad you're okay. This situation will be resolved in 24 to 48 hours.
Kiss my bender!
I gotta ask you, old buddy. Because I'm confused.
-ls this SSDD or not? -Definitely not.
Different shit today, Pete.
And a pretty weird day so far, if you want to know.
Over here.
There you go.
easy.
It's nine miles to Hole in the Wall. I think I can manage it.
I'll bring the snowmobile back and get you both.
Now, Pete, you listen to me. Don't go back to the car for beer.
-Stay with her. Keep her warm. -Right hand to God, Dr. D.
Henry!
If we die before you get back...
...promise you'll tell everybody she wasn't my date.
I'm telling you, Jonesy, I don't like this at all.
This is turning into a double fuckarow. A real jobba-nobba.
-Rick, you okay? -I'm a little sick, fellas.
-I just need to make a little room. -McCarthy, Rick, open up, man.
-Go away! -Open the door or we break it down.
-Can't a man have some privacy? -Rick, where are you bleeding from?
Bleeding? I'm not bleeding.
-Let's do it. -I'm not positive I wanna go in there.
What if he's dying? Scooby-Dooby-Doo, we got some work to do now.
On three. Ready?
One.... Two....
Hold it! What if we just bounce off?
-No bounce, no play. -Right. No bounce, no play.
One....
And a two.... Three!
Oh, fuck! Oh, man! Fuck!
I don't want to see this! I can't see this.
-Shut up a minute. Mr. McCarthy? Rick? -ls he still alive?
I don't know. Rick? Rick, are you--?
Oh, man! Jonesy, if he can still do that, he must be alive.
Can you hear me? I think he's dead.
Bullshit! He dropped a clinker! I heard it.
-I don't think that was a clinker. -That's enough, snap out of it!
-Oh, my God! -My God!
-No! -No?
Good move! It's trapped. Got nowhere to go but the septic tank.
Oh, shit!
-Listen, Beaver, we're gonna change places. -What?
-One of us is gonna go to the shed. -No way!
Shut up and listen! There's friction tape there.
You go get it, come back. We'll tape the lid down.
Then we're gonna get the hell out of here!
-You get the tape, Jonesy. -Don't be brave, Beav.
You're faster than me. I'll sit on Thumper.
No, if it does get out, you can't fight it. Not with your hip.
Oh, my God! Goddamn it! Go!
-And Beav? -Yeah?
Sit tight, buddy.
Okay.